Can Single Women Truly Enjoy Valentine’s Day?

The short answer is a resounding “YES!” The reality of life for the single woman, who desires a husband/companion, is she becomes aware of all the lovers during this time, unfortunately to a heightened degree. Flowers come into the office, romantic cards are received, and wonderful candlelit dinners are prepared with love and anticipation. It seems that more hand holding is taking place and more kisses are being exchanged. Yet the single woman has no kisses, no candlelit dinners, and no hand holding. So what’s up with that? When Lord, when?! The question isn’t when. The question is what do I do with myself during this waiting time? Answer – enjoy the life you currently have realizing that your time of singleness is the time for you to ensure that you are emotionally ready for a relationship. Your singleness is a time for purging and getting over all the hurt inflicted on you and possibly the hurt you inflicted on others. If you’ve inflicted pain on others a time to first, forgive yourself, then secondly, a time to seek forgiveness from others. A time to revisit mistakes and the steps you’ve put into place to ensure that you don’t repeat them. A time to get your house in order so when that husband comes your way, he finds a good thing in you. Value this time of singleness, it is the greatest introspective time you will ever have with yourself. You get to put your wife resume together. You get to package yourself as one who is more of an asset than a liability.

You get to identify what type of man deserves your time, energy and companionship. By setting standards you prevent yourself from making the same mistakes made in the past. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. An extreme truth to remember is that God promises no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. He promises if you delight in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart.

In order to go through this time gracefully and thankfully it is important to treasure in your heart that God is preparing two hearts for His perfect timing. Your heart is being prepared so when the man after God’s own heart walks into your life you will be ready for him and vice versa. God will not present you to your lifelong soul mate until He has softened your rough edges and He will not present your husband to you until He has prepared his heart.

During this time of wait – here are some tips to making your Valentine’s Day a day to remember:

 

1.       Get together with other single women and celebrate each other’s time of pruning and purification. Go out to dinner or to the movies. Celebrate your preparation time.

2.       Send one of your single friends some flowers and candy with true love sentiments congratulating them on their phenomenal time of singleness, expressing the fruitfulness of that time and the importance of it. Bottom line – encourage each other. THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING SINGLE!

3.       Pamper yourself. Light candles in your home and play some songs that lift you up. Fix a wonderful meal for yourself and toast you!! Because you deserve to be toasted!!

4.       Have a sleep over with your girlfriends. Make it a makeover night or a cooking night. Enjoy each other’s company.

5.       If you like candy and flowers treat yourself. Love yourself enough to find satisfaction in your ability to acknowledge yourself and to honor yourself.

6.       If you really desire a husband, write a Valentine’s card to your future husband and date it. This will show him, when he is presented to you, how faithful you were during your waiting process and the wonderful sentiments you felt about him by faith.

Please remember being single is not a curse, it is a blessing.  So here’s a toast to my single ladies, enjoy your Valentine’s day. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, that my soul knows very well! How marvelous are God’s workmanship when I look at each of you! I celebrate you with love, respect & honor.

You Can't Handle the Truth!!

I make this statement to get your attention. I had occasion to speak with a young man who shared with me how troubling women seemed to be in his life. He shared with me how he wasn’t interested in a committed relationship and yet after sharing this with women even though they claimed to accept his status, when the relationship came to an end, they would get very angry as though he had never said from the beginning, “I’m not in this for a lasting commitment, I’m simply in it for some fun and laughs.”

Now some women, when I shared this story said, “then he needs to get out of the game.” And I thought that’s just it, it wasn’t a game. He made it clear it was simply what it was, fun and closure. Maybe the difficulty in this is, since, he, it would appear, was holding all the cards, he got to choose how it started and he got to choose how it ended, or did he? I ask or did he hold all the cards because isn’t it the truth that she could have ended the, whatever you call it, at any time too? My niece, Briana said, “she could have said at any time, to the left, to the left.” And maybe if she had also had the attitude when it ended, as it was clear that it was destined too she could have taken on this attitude as my niece reminded me also, “if you want to leave be my guest you can step.” (These are words from Beyonce’s song Irreplaceable – don’t you ever get to thinking your irreplaceable.) The caveat to this is it must be her reality. Her reality you ask? It cannot be just words, it must be her truth - the truth that she too was in this for fun and laughs and was prepared to “be okay” when it ended.

So I return to the question do we as women truly want to hear the truth when in secret we desire the lie? If the above is true that the man told the women his intent, was, the truth heard and then the lie internalized. Here are some internalized scenarios: “He says he doesn’t want a commitment but I can change him.” “He says he doesn’t want a commitment but I know when he gets to know me he will change his mind.” “He says he doesn’t want a commitment but since he’s spending so much time with me exclusively he must have changed his mind.”

The problem with those scenarios is the operative transition word “but”, or rather the exclusionary word “but”. But means what I just said is not what I meant, or in the case of women, heard or accepted. My reality will be the latter part of my own personal mental conversation, “I can change him, he didn’t really mean that, once he gets to know me he will want to be in a commitment.”

Because as women having a tendency to hear what we want to hear and believe what we want to believe we find ourselves writhing in pain, disillusionment, frustration, bitterness, and anger and unfortunately we are the master/mistress of our own personal hell. We are angry at men and it drips from our very pores, it drips from our lips, it’s laced with poison as we encounter other men and subconsciously hold them responsible for our pasts when in truth, in this instance, we must be angry with ourselves.

 

I have learned in my life, and I hope it is with you, that I must accept what anyone says to me as the truth, theirs and my reality, until they not only say something different but their actions replicate their words. As Jack Nicholas in A Few Good Men said – “you can’t handle the truth.” If you can’t handle the truth then don’t delve into something that not only can’t you handle but don’t delve into something you’re not prepared to handle. There’s a saying, “I said what I mean and I mean what I say.” Let that be your mantra.

 

So if you want to be whole ladies, and as pain free as possible, accept the package as presented and decide whether to keep it and all that comes with it and deal with it without complaining or reject it at the door with a stamp return to sender not welcomed or wanted here – to the left, to the left, to the left.