Are you a product of domestic violence?

With all the media on Rice and the domestic violent video going viral I thought this article deserved reposting.  The statistics are staggering and the impact will never really be able to adequately be placed on paper the unhealthy trend of domestic violence. The results of such a situation leaves lasting mental scares that in many cases takes a life time to heal, some never really heal from the physical and mental abuse. I just wanted to share some of the statistics as provided by the Center for Disease Control and then end with a grid outlining symptoms or conditions you can test yourself on to see if you’re in an abusive relationship. Of course my prayer is if you are in an abusive relationship that you will one day look into yourself and find such infinite value to you that you will do as Sophia in the theatre play “Color Purple” said in her song: “Hell No.” This meant it would never be acceptable for a person to beat her, intimidate her, humiliate her, threaten her, or rob her of her joy.
Definition of Domestic Violence: Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
One in four women (25%) has experienced domestic violence in her lifetime.
  • Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or boyfriend, or girlfriend to 3 million women who are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend per year.  
  • Women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence, men for approximately 15%.
  • Women ages 20-24 are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
  • Between 1993 and 2004, intimate partner violence on average made up 22% of nonfatal intimate partner victimizations against women. The same year, intimate partners committed 3% of all violent crime against men.
  • Separated and divorced males and females are at a greater risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
  • Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.
  • Average annual rates of intimate partner victimization between 1994 and 2004 are approximately the same for non-Hispanic and Hispanic females and males.
  • Intimate partner violence affects people regardless of income. However, people with lower annual income (below $25K) are at a 3-times higher risk of intimate partner violence than people with higher annual income (over $50K).* Please note that those with less resources are more likely to report incidents of violence
  • On average between 1993 and 2004, residents of urban areas experienced highest level of nonfatal intimate partner violence. Residents in suburban and rural areas were equally likely to experience such violence, about 20% less than those in urban areas.
To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.



Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings  Do you:

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior  Does your partner:

Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

Humiliate or yell at you?

Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

Criticize you and put you down?

Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?

Blame you for their own abusive behavior?

Feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats  Does your partner:

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior Does your partner:

Have a bad and unpredictable temper?

Act excessively jealous and possessive?

Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 

Control where you go or what you do?

Threaten to take your children away or harm them?

Keep you from seeing your friends or family?

Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?             

Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

Force you to have sex? Destroy your belongings?               

Constantly check up on you?

 

Sex after breast cancer

I was transfixed on this topic as we end the breast cancer awareness month. I had a rather difficult time finding individuals to discuss this topic that is rarely discussed. I mean as black people we generally don’t discuss health, sex or finance and yet those three subjects tend to polarize the majority of our lives. When looking into breast cancer some of the statistics was startling: As presented in a document by the National Cancer Institute -  

·         An estimated 26,840 new cases of breast cancer are expected to occur among African American women in 2010.

·         The incidence rate of breast cancer among women under 45 is higher for African American women compared to white women.

·         Breast cancer is the second most common cause of cancer death among African American women, exceeded only by lung cancer.

·         The higher mortality rate in African-American women may be related to differences in access to and utilization of early detection and treatment and differences in tumor characteristics.

·         Almost all women with breast cancer have either one or both of their breasts removed.

Hence the conversation – is there quality sex after breast cancer? Sex is not limited to the actual act – it is also personal worth, personal appeal, and personal acceptance. I had two women on the talk radio show today who both were breast cancer survivors. One woman was married during the time and the other was not. One experienced rejection from her spouse and the other was focused on the rearing of her son and hadn’t taken the time to reflect on her disfigured body. Many of us were moved to tears when the married woman shared, “I was in the shower with my bald head and one breast and my husband couldn’t look at me.” We were stunned. No one knew what to say, and my being the most host knew now was not the time to tell her that negro never loved her in the first place. I was hot and yet there are many stories like hers. My guest told us that after having been married for 12 years, admitting there had been a superficial aspect to their relationship, both kept themselves in great shape, her trials and disfigured nature didn’t have the ability to keep their surface relationship in place.
One of my dear friends who was moved to tears told me about a woman at our church who has cancer. She shared how she was wearing a hat and she asked her if she could see her head. Lovingly my friend kissed her head and embraced her, immediately I said that’s exactly what my guest husband should have done. Another friend told me of a couple she knew where the wife had lost her hair due to chemotherapy and the husband to show his support shaved his head! Now that’s love. Cancer is a difficult time for all especially the one who has it. It is not the time for criticism or scrutiny. It is a time of celebrating life, love, and memories.

The beauty about the women on the show was that both stated they were much better women because of their journey. They felt that God had truly kept them, sustained them, and prepared them for their continued journey. One woman had reconstructive surgery and stated her feelings of wholeness and the other said she really hadn’t considered it. Both women have been cancer free for almost five years. So I guess the answer to the question is there sex after breast cancer is a resounding yes, make sure that your relationships are not based upon an external but an internal love. Ensure that you both take to heart the part of the vows that says “for better or worse in sickness and in health til death do you part.”
I say to my sisters who are breast cancer survivors and to those who are going through this very traumatic time – you are more than your breast. God will give you beauty for these ashes, and there is sunshine after the storm. My God continue to keep you safe under His wings of protection.