Is He Passive or Assertive?

One who is passive is described as one who is not willing to take issues head on. A passive man tends to deal with issues through individuals. He tends to tell other people how he feels in order for it to get back to the intended party. A passive man doesn’t like confrontation, or rather doesn’t deal with it well. He simply hopes and prays that the issue will go away. While he desires to be a leader, in this area he fails miserably. Those who are passive aggressive often pick fights to avoid intimacy and create distance. He prefers to stick his head in the sand, than face issues he knows in heart must be faced.  He will also sulk instead of asking you directly for what he wants. He thinks it is easier to get what he wants in this manner. The passive aggressive personality also fosters a chaotic environment. The environment lacks order, assurance, peace, stability, but exudes confusion. No one ever really knows where he stands. A passive man will tell you one thing, then when all parties involved are in the same room to discuss or resolve the issue he will remain quiet, leaving you hanging out there all by yourself. This same passive man will call and apologize, possibly, but you can bet he will repeat the same pattern over and over again. His passive behavior serves as a distraction from pointing out his real issues, his inability to deal with people head on. This man tends to be insecure. He will try to appear insecure but his very behavior tells you that he is not insecure. He never wants anyone around whom others will praise. It is important for this man to be the center of everyone’s focus while endeavoring to come across as

 “humble” when clearly there is nothing humble about him. This behavior is passive because there exist in his behavior a willingness to allow one to operate within the gifts they have been blessed he will even applaud it yet at the same time go behind your back and prevent that very opportunity from happening for fear someone will actually enjoy and look forward to their presentation, not realizing that it’s not a competition is simply God’s way of providing many avenues and venues for people to be blessed.

Sometimes you find passivity within preachers. They use the pulpit to address their dislikes of people, or issues encountered instead of doing what the scripture says, “if you have an issue with your brother go to him and work it out.”  He won’t provide the answer directly to the person that he would like to give instead he gives the answer through the sermon so that he doesn’t have to face the person. There’s something about the pulpit that gives passive aggressive men the courage to say what they couldn’t say face to face.

I know you’re probably wondering “dang” aren’t there any good qualities in a passive person? Everyone has some good qualities. A passive person is generally willing to help when the need arises, without much, if any, grumbling. A passive person is generally a good listener. A passive person will generally live up to their responsibilities and a passive person can be loving within the right setting. He tends to be protective, doesn’t allow anyone to harm those he finds precious to him.

An assertive man is the direct opposite. A person with an assertive personality simply communicates their thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc, clearly and honestly without being aggressive or hostile. An assertive man appreciates the need to be direct and honest even if it hurts. He understands that while the truth can hurt, it also frees, removes unrealistic expectations, and sets the stage for continued healthy dialogue and relationships. He is what you see. You don’t have to wonder about him because he doesn’t pretend to be something that he is not. He generally doesn’t play games. You tend to always know where he stands. You don’t have to wonder where he is coming from his intentions are generally made known. This man tends to have few if any insecurity issues. He is unequivocally secure in his manhood. This man can embrace women and accept them as his equal. His strength can be found in his bronze and his brains. He is generally not the type who is unfaithful he simply tells you he is not exclusive, so deal with him at your own risk. The assertive man tends to like his space. He doesn’t readily bring you into his surroundings, around his children, or his friends, before firs ensuring that your presence will enhance his current environment and not disrupt it. There is generally order to his life and his surroundings. Because he is honest and upfront he doesn’t deal well with

drama, arguments or liars. If the assertive man is truly interested in you he will take the initiative to create opportunities to spend time together and shower you with affection. When in the presence of an assertive man he tends to treat you as though you are the most important person in his world at that very moment. The assertive man tends to also be spontaneous. Enjoy doing things on the spur of the moment. Realize this, if he is not interested in you he generally doesn’t pretend to be and when he’s through with the relationship he’s generally through. He tends to be more decisive, a take action kind of man.  When he walks in a room he commands attention by his very presence, not necessarily because he is handsome, but he exudes confidence and includes those in his immediate surroundings into his space. An assertive man values his time alone. He enjoys his own company.

Clearly this article is not designed to fully flush out the character traits of those passive or assertive. It is meant to give you a glimpse into the psyche of two types of men, clearly there are other types and all of us have issues, all of us have good and bad traits, it is just important that we understand who we are spending our time with.

So we end as we began which is more attractive a passive aggressive man or an assertive man? The choice is yours choose wisely.

Just For Laughs Singing In Church

Hey you all thought I'd put a little humor into the mix. 

 Sometimes it is very helpful to law instead of crying so today we're going to simply enjoy this lighthearted moment!! 

Singing In Church

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex!"

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

Debbie Sanderson

Do You Have A Marriage or a Roommate?

I was at a womens luncheon and a lady sat next me to and made the following state, “Me and my husband co-habitat, we simply co-exist. We are not fooling each other.” I thought “wow that’s deep”. Then I began to wonder how many more couples feel or live this way. My highly imaginative mind decided to put together a very visual picture of exactly what a co-habitating situation would look like. Both come home, maybe you speak maybe you don’t. If you do it’s cold, reactionary, and cordial. You don’t really care how each others day was, but out of some form of responsibility you inquire half listening. You may have a joint account to pay bills, or you have each taken certain bills stating your intent to pay them. You sleep in the same bed or you sleep in separate rooms. When the kids are around you don’t pretend to be in love and you also don’t act as though you can’t stand each other. You both have separate friends; go on separate vacations, of course only when the kids aren’t involved. There is absolutely not intimacy, bottom line your time together is one of tolerance.                             

It begs the question, how does one get to this point. What’s happened is neither one is hot or cold. I happen to know this women personally and the demise of her marriage was not linked to drugs or verbal or mental abuse. Without having had the privilege of probing deeper I am going to take liberal writer’s license and look into my crystal ball and deduce this situation, you tell me if you think it’s an accurate assessment. Before I get started let me state up front it is not my intention to over simplify the situation, or discount whatever feelings have aroused to cause such a strong rift current between two people. So before you scream at me from the top of your lungs, or accuse me of being unattached and uninformed understand it is always my intent to heal that which ails you.

Whatever the original attraction was, that something, that brought you both together has not been nurtured throughout the relationship. So many times whether lengthy or short-term what we thought we liked about a person, soon fades and we find ourselves asking, what in the world did we find attractive about this person in the first place. Maybe the person was a brick house and now she’s simply a house. Maybe the person had sex two or three times a week, now one or the other has become a sex camel, learning how to go without for long periods of time and when you do finally come together it’s not necessarily for mutual gratification but for individual sexual release. Maybe he was romantic, caring deeply about the needs and desires of his wife, and now he could care less. Or maybe he never was romantic and that boyish quality has now soured and you want more than what was promised. Maybe each has grown a part, goals and dreams have changed without consulting and including both in the change process. Just maybe, even though the individuals actions didn’t show their ability to perform what they promised, you went into the relationship hoping that the individual would actually live up to your expectations, void of any proof that the person possessed the ability or the fortitude to fulfill their promises. Were you actually hearing what you wanted to hear while everything screamed, “It ain’t going to happen”. Maybe you went into this relationship believing one or the other would grow up and grow out of childish behavior and yet it never happened. Maybe you tried over a long period of time to make the marriage work but the other was non-responsive so you reached a place of “screw it”. The list can go on and on and yet at the end of the day the bottom line is both have said, “I want out. There’s got to be more to marriage than what I have.”

This is an extremely dangerous place to be. Both parties are very vulnerable. Temptation has greater reign and influence in their lives. It always seems the grass is greener on the other side. Just remember grass not tested may turn out to be turf (fake). Simply put, this man or woman whom each may meet outside of their marriage during their time of despondency and regret has entered their space and is saying all the things they want to and even need to hear. It’s takes two to tangle in any relationship. Both parties have played a role in their demise. Both parties checked out, one sooner than the other, nonetheless they both have checked out. Both have given up, and yet through a sense of responsibility, very rarely hearing the reason for staying one of because my wedding vows said until death do us part, because I am in a covenant relationship witnessed by God, it’s usually because of the kids, or it’s cheaper to keep her or him. This situation can only be salvaged if both parties desire it to be. Believe it or not one or the other can initiate and recapture many of the things that were lost. It only takes one to begin the rekindling and the other will slowly but surely understand your intent.

Here are some quick suggestions geared to repairing what is truly not irreparable.

• Look deep inside and spend some time analyzing yourself, your motives, your desires, and what value you bring into the life of your spouse.
• Spend time looking deeply into the heart of your spouse. Reintroduce yourself to him or her. 
• Ask your spouse’s forgiveness for having checked out on him or her and state your desire to engage in conversation to re-evaluate where you both go from here. Don’t be afraid to ask him/her what they want, be prepared for the hard and painful answers. Don’t get angry if your spouse doesn’t apologize in return. Remember you have reached a place of potential reconciliation before the other. They’re numb just as you have been for a while. 
• Expect skepticism. In the mind of another, what is he/she up to? What is her/his agenda?
• Find ways to compliment your spouse genuinely. Don’t make it obvious but subtle. Don’t be pushy, overbearing, or impatient. Whatever it took to get you both to this place didn’t happen overnight and it will not take one attempt to right a ship that has gone wrong.
• Find ways to spend time together with a focus on what the other would like to do. Once again you can’t go in like gangbusters’; you have to make the change noticeable but not overly so.

• ·  While looking into self, honestly assess have you let   yourself go? I am not necessarily talking about weight,   just in your overall appearance. Your hair, clothing,   aroma? How do you prepare for bed at night, if a woman,  purchase or dust off those great night apparel’s that used  to excite. Both could possibly use and appreciate a makeover. You don’t have to go out and buy a wardrobe  just give yourself that same attention you gave when you first dated. There’s a part of a song that stands out for  me,“take me back, take me back dear Lord to the place here I first received you.” We can ask and desire the same things of ourselves about our mates.

• Accept your role in the break down. Acknowledge the signs, if honest you saw, and work through how you can ensure no duplication in the future. If things were unhealthy don’t embrace the unhealthy behavior, let you spouse know how the unhealthy behaviors make you feel and your desire to eradicate them from your marriage completely.
• Get counseling. Find a counselor that both can embrace. There is nothing worse than going to a counselor that appears to be taking sides. It would be nice to find a male and female, who are already on one accord, to mediate the proceedings. When in counseling, don’t accuse or berate, or complain, simply state the facts without making it personal. By talk about how things made you feel and not crucifying the individual leaves some room for honest assessment, consideration, and possible reconciliation.
• Remind your spouse that you truly do love them. More importantly remind yourself.

·         Spend time in your word. We are told that   we can win our spouses over with our inner  spirit. The word of God works on us and molds us into irresistible creations. Don’t link your spirit to the SOURCE for pretense sake; it must be the real deal. It must become a part of your very being. 

·         Pray for you and your spouse.

Clearly this will only work if you truly want this. There is no guarantee that your spouse will return the sentiments, just be prepared if you truly want this to fight for this reunion with your very being. Trust God and leave the rest to Him. We are told after having done all you can in your physical and mental strength stand, let God yield the increase, the ultimate outcome.

My heart cries for you who have checked out of your marriage. Marriage is a good thing. How do we know because when God was in his making process (Genesis 1-2) we see when he completed one project he said, “It’s good.” It’s the two imperfect people who mess up the good that God made. I pray success and peace for your marriage, for your family, and for your heart.

Are You A Virtuous Woman?

It’s such an interesting question that deserves some genuine exploration. First we must understand what it means to be virtuous. Virtuous character is a woman who lives by a strong code of ethics that permeates every area of her life and positively affects her family, her co-workers, her community, and even her acquaintances. A virtuous woman prides herself in setting an example that when followed produces great benefit. We know biblically there is a reference to being a virtuous woman found in Proverbs 31. It begins with an admonition to a son that this is the type of woman he should aspire to have. This woman is so precious that she is compared to precious rubies, one of the most expensive and highly sought after jewels of biblical times.

In view of the above it’s amazing to me that setting standards and living by them seem to be such a thing of the past. I remember growing up and the boys in the community made it a point to distinguish between the girl they had sexual relations with and the one they took home to meet their mother. They were clear that they were not the one in the same. There was a distinguishing trait about the one who met the mother that garnered respect from the men. While they may have wanted to have sex, they knew with this woman, it was not something you entered into lightly. It seems eons ago when this was the case, the scale has tilted, the standards have diminished, and the once black and white code of ethics has now greyed. We have shifted from absolutes to sometimes, not always, and there are exceptions.

There was a time that the women in this country were the barometer by which moral issues were addressed. Women were the individuals who were hospitable, produced healthy character in their children, cheered their husbands, encouraged other women, single and married, true role models, modeling behavior that taught others how to love, be kind, be respectful, be frugal (resourceful) with the families financial resources. Her family was her first and foremost priority. Proverbs tells us that this woman is called blessed by her children, this woman is the envy of all her husband’s friends, this woman is admired by the women in her community, and they desire to emulate her. The women seek her out for sound counsel, counsel that is not laced with venom and barbs, but counsel that will encourage the one seeking the advice. This virtuous woman understands the importance of providing counseling that uplifts and builds the family rather than providing counsel that tears it down. She is not quick to judge but quick to give the benefit of the doubt. She listens more than she speaks. But boy when she speaks, like E.F. Hutton, everyone listens. Husbands of other women, embrace the time their wives spend with her, rather than dread their return, sure the advice received from other bitter, angry, hurt, misguided but well-meaning women will create havoc in the home.

This virtuous woman is not a push over, she is strong and confident. This virtuous woman is not subjected to her husband, but willingly submits to him as she understands that being supportive, while all the time expecting her husband to perform his husbandly duties, will uplift and create harmony in the family. She understands this behavior will spill over to her children and, they too, will know how to treat people with respect and dignity. This virtuous woman understands being submissive to her husband is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. Strength in that she lays downs her rights, stands in the gap praying for her husband, her family, and is prepared to encourage her husband in the way that will benefit the entire unit, without making the man feel less than a man. Don’t get this twisted I am not suggesting she down play her worth, I am embracing her worth, by honoring her brilliance, her strength, and her wisdom that harnesses all those traits into one powerful ball of energy that encourages everyone in her midst and at the end of the day helps steer the ship a long side her husband. So does her husband no harm.

A virtuous woman is not lazy but maximizes the time in the day to accomplish the good for her family. She is not idle but rather focused and driven to ensure her home environment is a tranquil place for all who enter. She is not a gossiper, as she understands the principle of endeavoring to do no harm. She is not mean spirited neither is she envious for this woman is ready to celebrate the happiness and accomplishments of others.   

So as we began so shall we end, are you a virtuous woman? Don’t fool yourself, the world knows if you are, this you can’t fake, either you are or you aren’t. Let us all strive to be virtuous and begin a movement that will change this country for the better.

Are You Reaping What You’ve Sown?

Great question! So many times in life we find ourselves feeling that somehow we are being wrongfully treated and we can’t for the life of us figure out why this is happening to us. The question posed is did you play arole in your current circumstances? Have your recent, potentially even past actions contributed to your current situation? Let’s take a look in our past and see what we can discover? My first caution is not to look exactly at yours, but take a glimpse over all that you have inflicted on someone else. It’s important to know that it is not necessarily tit for tat in our experiences, you could have done something and your heart was so cold and unfeeling in a different situation than what you currently find yourself faced with, and yet that callous attitude you showed toward another is now being reaped (experienced) in your life. For instance, have you hastily judged another person, not even hastily but simply took a hard line as to what your thoughts were about the actions of another? Understand even if their actions were wrong were you quick to condemn unequivocally? Did you gossip about someone to another? Have you taken what did not belong to you, but belonged to another? Did you criticize? Did you look at what the media says about someone and accept what they say as the truth then ran with it? Do you hear something about someone and make the judgment that it must be the truth? The questions are endless, but necessary. I pose these questions because there is consistent nature within humankind that I want mercy for myself but justice for others. If we are accused of something we tend to want others to give us the benefit of the doubt but we refuse to give that same consideration to others. If someone is driving and happens to be going too slow, makes a sudden move, or cuts you off, do you automatically assume that it was intentional and then mean mug them? Isn’t it quite possible that they simply made a mistake? Can’t we function in a spirit of mercy and forgiveness instead of condemnation and mean-spiritedness?

Reaping what you sow. Most of us scripturally are told that we will reap what we sow, reap more than what we’ve sown. Point in case – you take one seed and plant it and you yield a crop, while it was only one seed you yielded a greater harvest. That’s the example for our lives, we might do something considered small and yet we reap something much more strenuous than what we inflicted.  We are told to be careful how we judge, what method we use, because that same method will be used against us.  If I live a life with the premise that I want of justice for the wrong I’ve experienced when I seek mercy for my wrong instead of the desired mercy I will receive justice, and then have the audacity to feel that I have been misjudged.

This is a salient principle that if embraced, just maybe our lives will rest in a place of mercy and our extended considerations to others will be mercy also. Neither will be quick to judge but quick to provide compassion, understanding, and kindness. This doesn’t mean we excuse behavior we simply acknowledge in a kind way that we are encouraged for them and will be praying for a positive outcome.

I am reminded of a story of a young man who was driving, not too fast, yet hit a child, panicked and ran. He went to his mother told her what had been done, she tried to assist in covering up, then had him turn himself in. The child died. Outrage took place and all I heard was he deserves whatever happens to him. Really? We really couldn’t have compassion and some understanding of his fears and his bad choice of covering up? What if it had been you or your child would you take the same position, you should get exactly what you deserve or would you want mercy, consideration? I had some Christian’s say if he had hit my child I would want the book thrown at him. Once again the question begs - what if it had been your child who hit the child, what would you want?

For us to be a country of carrying, forgiving, and uplifting people we must treat others as we wish to be treated. We must give the same consideration we would want for ourselves. We must be quick to forgive and slow to condemn.

Then there is the positive side of reaping and sowing. If you sow love you will reap love. If you sow kindness you will reap kindness. If you sow patience you will reap patience. If you sow compassion you will reap compassion. These qualities should be manifested in our lives. These qualities should be represented by you within your home, your church, your work environment, and your community. These qualities are the stuff the bible speaks of when saying we are to be the light of the world, the salt of the earth. In Galatians we read scripture that tells us there is one who is identified with Christ that exudes those vary qualities. It tells us that person is being led by the spirit and not by the flesh.                                                                                              

So as we began are you reaping what you’ve sown? Are you yielding a harvest that enriches your life and others or are you reaping a bitter harvest based on the bitter seeds you have planted?

Remember if you sow to the wind you reap a whirlwind!!!

Is Your Tongue Your Friend or Your Enemy?

 Being the strong personality that I am, I have had this conversation with myself on numerous occasions. I have truly learned over time that just because what I have to say is the truth, how I say it will dictate how it is received. Recently as I was promoting this blog, I received a very nasty text message from a woman who thought it her duty and believed her right to challenge me on the fact that she felt I was reaching out to all to support my project but that I seemed to be missing in action when it came to supporting other people’s projects. Okay now the strong personality that I am I started to go “there”. Some of the first thoughts I had was, “how in the world did she know what I did or didn’t support?” Second thought I had was, “this is a free country, if you don’t want to support what I do, I am good with that. You don’t even have to respond.” These were the kinder things I thought that I felt comfortable sharing with you all. After I got over “it” I breathed deeply and then I exhaled. I understood this was an opportunity to be the change I want to see (quote by Ghandi). I knew that it didn’t matter where she was coming from, or what her reasons were for coming at my so distastefully, what mattered was how I responded. In life you should know and embrace this salient truth, while you can’t control the attitudes of others you can control yours.  So instead of doing what was my right to do, Apostle Paul states, that it may be lawful for me to exercise my rights, but then questions is it expedient? In response to her stern reprimand I chose first to acknowledge kindly that I was and will always support other people’s projects, yet internalizing and owning the fact that even in this concession she had no power to redefine who I am or make me feel as though I am somehow this selfish person that she was insinuating I was. The reality is for all of us is unfortunately we can’t make it to everything we are invited to. Secondly I conceded that in the future I would endeavor to do better. Ha! End of her rant. What could you do after that kind of response? Exactly!!

So hence the premises you can get a lot further with honey than you can with vinegar. Many times we encounter situations that set our nerves to flame, ignites our anger, and fuels our disgust and yet what is the best way to handle all of those pent up emotions?

·         Sometimes you need to get away and cry, scream, rant, fuss (not cuss), and then simply exhale. The worst thing you can do is respond in the heat of that emotion. Because remember this, once the tooth paste (your response) is out of the tube, it is almost impossible to put it back in (you can’t take back what you’ve said).

·         Attempt to seek out internally what that individual might have been dealing with that caused such a violent reaction. Stephen Covey, the author of Seven Habit of Seven Highly Effective People states, “Seek first to understand then to be understood.”

·         Consider what you would want someone to consider if by chance you went off in left field on them. Would you want grace or justice? Truth is we tend to want grace for ourselves and justice for others. We are admonished not to judge someone else harshly because if we fail to be gracious and merciful when (notice I said when and not if) we lose our sanity momentarily we will receive that same harsh judgment on our actions.

·         Regardless of why someone did what they did endeavor to leave a positive lasting effect on them. Here’s the point, scripture reminds us that if your enemies are hungry feed them, if they are thirsty give them something to drink, and God will deal with their conscious and the consequences of their actions. We are also admonished to bless them that persecute you, bless and not cuss. We are told when your ways please God He will make you at peace with your enemies. So temper your response and choose your words wisely.

·         Let it go! Once you have done those things let it go!! Don’t dwell on it or continue talking about it. Sometimes we hold on to things and we’re the culprit who robs ourselves of our own joy. The person who incited us has moved on and enjoying life, you on the other hand are reliving that incident over and over again.

·         Do not hold a grudge when you see the person embrace them in your normal way.

These principles transcends the acquaintance, we should also be aware of how we speak to our spouses, our children, our co-workers, friends and families. The bible reminds us that it is the tongue that can build a home or tear it down. We must also be keenly aware of how we talk to those we don't know. For instance the waiter or waitress, the person on the road who is unkind, the individual in the department store, the faceless person on the phone who we are trying to handle business with, you get the point. Your words must always be laced with grace, kindness, temperance, and patience.

It is important for each of us to remember if we are truly to be the light of the world, the salt of the earth, an ambassador for Christ, a minister of reconciliation, an example for others to follow, we must reflect what the word of God says and our character must emulate His principles and His teachings. If we live a life and function based upon how we feel we will only push people away from Christ and by default prevent those from being drawn to the cross. If we truly want to be the change we need to see in this world, it must begin with us. If we can be nasty, unfriendly, and hostile, then at the same time turn around and say God bless you, the person on the receiving end would think and rightly so, who wants her God. Don’t hurt the testimony of Christ by responding as the world responds. When Christ was beaten, spat upon, ridiculed, and ultimately killed on the cross, the bible recounts his intercessory prayer for the people doing this, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”. My, my, my what an example we have been given. The bible is not a recommendation but a road map as to how we are to live in every area of our lives. So remember a guarded, thoughtful, and calculated tongue will save and spare the hearts, spirits, and feelings of others.

Are Looks the Litmus Test to a Successful Relationship?

Many people get caught up on the outward trapping of an individual. We try to fit all the other important character traits into a superficial package after we’ve allowed looks to be our primarily focus. We get caught up on body size, height, smell, eye color, voice. Then we tend to look at what car he drives and the job he has. After we get those things locked in we try to shove in, kindness, tenderness, respect, selflessness, and a sprinkling of “he goes to church” as an afterthought, while all the while crossing our fingers, saying, “I hope. I hope he really has those traits”. For some strange reason we’ve allowed the outward trapping to become our Achilles heel, that which trips us up, that which exposes our most vulnerable part, our heart and jacks it up to the utmost. It is only when we can separate the superficial and seek out the inner person that we will begin to establish and remain in stable relationships. If we change our focus it is then that we will see the divorce rate drop. It’s a sad day when the divorce rate amongst Christian have passed that of non-Christians. There is something extremely wrong with that!

Here’s what I am getting at. The character traits I spoke of in the early part of this article, where a fire is concerned, would be considered kindling. Kindling is the stuff that is used to start the fire, but if all the fire had was kindling, it would burn out immediately and that, beloved, is exactly what we are experiencing in relationships today. We have built relationships on external trappings and failed to build them on internal longevity. In order for a fire to burn for long periods of time you need logs. Logs in the character realm are the following: the intent of the heart, the actions shown over a consistent period of time, how one treats you, an individual’s willingness to accept their responsibilities, an individual’s desire to seek your best, an individual’s active traits that doesn’t simply declare, “I am a Christian”, but shows it by their very actions, an individual’s ability to deal with disappointment, handle difficult situations, an individual’s commitment to provide, protect, and respect.

From a provision stand point, is the man willing to work two jobs to ensure that the family is provided for? Someone just said, “Oh she’s old fashioned. Men don’t have to work like that women can and do contribute”. See you jumped the gun. The statement isn’t that he has to, the question is, is he willing to if he finds a need to? On a side note -please don’t underscore or despise the contributions of a stay at home mother, she is contributing in a large way and is extremely invaluable to the development of the next generation.

From a protection stand point, is the man willing to lay down his life for you if necessary? Wow! A protector ensures no harm comes to the one placed in his protective care.  This means as well as her physical form he also protects her heart. He doesn’t cheat on her, beat her, insult her, embarrass her, or take her for granted.

The truth about these qualities is you must take the time to get to know the person you are spending time with. You must experience this person in various surroundings. If he has children, how does he treat them? Provide for them? How does he treat you around his friends? Other women? You can fake some things over a short period of time and if we realize shortness can deceive we will slow down and make calculated informed decisions about our future. If we are really honest with ourselves and each other, we are given the opportunity to know the person in our midst we simple choose to ignore the warning signs.

Another reality is this, the only way you can truly assess a person is to do so with a level head. Ladies let’s face it once sex enters into the equation, we tend to lose all realm of reason. We go death, dumb, and blind. Try this and prove me right or wrong. When you encounter a man you are attracted to, don’t give the milk for free, with hold yourself. Now you have to really be committed to this because you can’t be level headed for a couple months or weeks. You have to maintain a platonic relationship for a long period of time, preferably until your wedding night, in order for you to truly know another person’s character. From personal experience I have learned when you remain both commit to remaining celibate you get the opportunity to clearly hear what he says. Your brain doesn’t seem as twisted, it prepared to hear and accept the truth about the person you are considering a relationship with. The warning signs are glaring, so glaring you have to cut it off in order for you to be able to breathe again.

Now are looks important? I am not suggesting that there isn’t a place for them I am suggesting that looks cannot be the only standard for which you set for a relationship, with the internal traits being secondary. I submit to you, that if a man as described with the internal traits entered your life, looks would be the secondary consideration, if at all.

To Submit or Not To Submit?

To submit or not to submit that is the question. Many women when they hear this word “submit” absolutely lose it. They feel the word submit is a dirty word, feeling that it was the male gender who made the word up to their benefit. I submit, no pun intended, that the reason the word is rejected by so many women is because they don’t truly understand the biblical reference. For some women, men have used this word to hold women down and to treat them like second class citizens. Well ladies I am here to set the record straight.

The word submission means to willingly come under. Willingly.  So here is the first hint, if you haven’t already taken the plunge into this thing called marriage, make sure you marry someone who you are willing to willingly come under. This means, before jumping the broom, ensure you really understand who you are marrying. I always suggest to pastors that as soon as a couple announces their engagement that marriage counseling should begin. Too many times we wait until six weeks before the wedding to have one of the most provoking, life changing, deeply probing dialogues necessary to ensure that this marriage is not being entered into lightly. This conversation should take place before the date is set or before one dime is spent, except for the right of course. It must take place while there is still time to bail out gracefully for both parties, because they clearly understand this has not been thoroughly thought through.

So what is the woman submitting to? She is submitting to her husband’s ultimate decisions made on behalf of the entire family. This means that while your opinions and concerns are given on any given issue, she is willing at the end of the day to submit to his final decision. I know right here, the back of your hairs have lifted, and you think I have lost my mind. But hold your horses, I haven’t lost my mind, you simply need to remember my earlier statement - make sure you are marrying someone who respects you, your thoughts, views, and concerns, someone who takes all those things into consideration while making the final decision. This is no ways suggests that your wishes for outcomes will be any different from your husbands. It simply means, even if they are, you trust him enough to make decisions that are in the best interest of your family. Even if you and he are on the same page, you should be praying that God is the central focus of your decisions and the author of your outcomes. Then you are trusting, both God and your husband to shield the family from any harm. There is also spiritual submission. Here the woman is trusting in her husband ability to lead the family in bible study, prayer, and worship. So once again you need to make sure your husband has those quality traits and abilities.  I am sure you can see why it important to make sure you are marrying a man after God’s own heart and that he truly possesses the necessary qualities that will place a spirit in you that desires to submit, and ultimately willingly submits. Active submission also means you both ensure that you are evenly yoked. Evenly yoked is not only mean to be in the area of spirituality. And speaking of that, if you marry someone of different faith and beliefs from yours, how in the world can you submit to your husband’s spiritual leadership. Bottom line if you can’t submit in one area you will not submit in other areas. So as I digressed I return to your need to be, to discover your true compatibility. During your courting process you should be sure you are both on the same page where finances are concerned, child rearing, and roles in the household. You should both respect and understand the goals and objectives each has and ensure that harmony can co-exist within those goals and objectives. If you are not evenly yoked it will be almost impossible to submit, because you begin at a place of disagreement already. Marriage is much more than sex and companionship. It is meant to be the one and only until death do you part union of your life outside of your union with Christ. While sex plays an important role, if it is the only place you have compatibility in the marriage, the marriage will not last and the eroticism you feel, because don’t get it twisted that exactly what it is, an erotic experience, will wane after a while and there will be nothing left to keep you together.

So now what do you do if you are already married and you didn’t follow the above instructions? Do you still have to submit? Ready? Yes. Okay I get you have probably just cursed and have no desire to move on. But please don’t give up on me now. So many times in our lives we get ahead of God in many ways. We want to do things in our own time lines and of course we always think God needs our help. Then after we don’t wait on God, we ask God to bless our mess. That’s what took place on your wedding day, you asked God to bless your mess. God took you at your word, and blessed your mess. Now you are ready to bail. This was not what you bought in for. Yeah, it really is. You bought into the uncertainty because of your impatience. The good news is you still serve a God who wants you to be happy within your marriage.

Here are some steps to assist you in lining up with God’s expectations of you in your marriage:

·         You need to first ask God’s forgiveness for getting ahead of Him. Then you need to forgive yourself for not waiting on God.

·         You need to begin an earnest prayer vigil of praying for your husband. Pray that God will first save Him spiritually, if he is not already saved. Then you pray that God will give Him wisdom. You pray that he will yield to God’s prompting.

·         If you have acted unseemingly to your husband, apologize to him and let him know you are committed to him and his leadership.

·         Insert suggestions with love and a tempered voice. I must say it, don’t nag, brown beat, stomp, curse, or embarrass in front of your children, your family, or his friends. Don’t embarrass him in front of anyone.

·         Focus your energies on allowing God to heal your heart, assuage your fears, and fix any area that needs fixing in order to bring about harmony in your home.

·         Finally trust the process, trust God.

So see submitting isn’t a bad word. It supports the statement made on the wedding day, simply, do not enter into a marriage lightly, understand the requirements and don’t make a move until both of you not only say you’re in agreement but that you also have also witnessed these principles in action in your spouses to be.