Take Responsibility for your actions. Stop passing the buck!

I happened to watch the Oprah Winfrey Show with Iyanla Vanzant. The thing that struck me the most and was so glaring was Iyanla’s inability to state plainly, “she blew it”. She failed to simply say I was full of myself. My ego got ahead of myself. I thought I was all that and a bag of chips with some Louisiana hot sauce poured on top. See we tend to be forgiving when we’re simply honest with ourselves and others. It’s no wonder she got ahead of self, she was catapulted into instant stardom, making millions of dollars, and the world was at her feet. She couldn’t go anywhere without being recognized and without someone asking her for relationship advice. I get that. I can sympathize with that. Having said that, the flip side is what we got, which was excuses and everyone else was to blame. Of course we got the occasional, “Okay I was crazy”. But we got more of this; Oprah never told her she liked her. Oprah didn’t tell her she wasn’t ready. Oprah didn’t understand her hearing from God and her threat that somebody really “big”, even though she knew who that really big was and didn’t divulge it, was willing to give her a show if Oprah didn’t because God told her it was her anointed time and not the appointed time, whatever that meant, didn’t actually mean she was threatening her. Oprah should have known she didn’t want to leave and her actually wanting a show now, didn’t mean she wasn’t willing to wait. Really? It seemed ironic to me that the Iyanla, who was given Oprah’s stage and audience and allowed to run the show, even though the likes of Suzie Orman and Dr. Phil, nor anyone had ever been given that privilege, couldn’t see how special that was and what an absolute honor it was. She actually stated, “I thought you wanted the work and not the person”. Really? Here is someone who kept saying, I didn’t know any better, I came from the Bronx, on welfare, never had anything, I didn’t understand because I came from the back woods. Yet this same, woman with lack of understanding, was giving relationship advice, writing book after book, making millions of dollars, knew she made 1.5 million in three months on Oprah and within one year and some months more she made over 3 million, yet the possibility of a show that paid her 1 million was more enticing? Really? She knew how to do the math, so clearly the money wasn’t the issue because she settled for less than what she could make on Oprah. What Iyanla couldn’t or wouldn’t admit was that she had failed to be loyal. The very woman who gave her, her enormous start, had her on her show more than twenty times in one year, told her she wanted to give her a show, just right now wouldn’t work, but they were working on it, she allowed someone to come in who hadn’t invested a dime, time, or anything, flip her mind and entice her. What Iyanla also failed to admit had it not been for her exposure on Oprah, and Oprah graciously giving her, her show twenty times out of the year, is what made her the relationship expert to the world. Loyalty, what a forgotten phenomena?

Iyanla is no different from many of us. We are not willing to take responsibility for our choices. Example - You have a child by a man who has other children and doesn’t take care of them and yet you’re mad that he doesn’t take care of the one you had. What was going to make you different? Be honest you are mad at yourself because you slept with a man who wasn’t responsible – your choice, not his fault. Man after man has mistreated you. While that may be a reality you must take responsibility for the fact that you allowed them to mistreat you. You must find value in yourself and demand that you be treated a certain way or tell them to hit the road. If I don’t have to take responsibility for my actions why should anyone else? The rapist can say it’s not my fault she dressed that way? The thief can say because I lost my job it’s not my fault that I had to steal. You get a speeding ticket, instead of it being about you speeding, it’s about the police officer; he had nothing better to do. The list can go on. Until Iyanla and the rest of us can truly find peace through the broken pieces, she and us must first be honest with ourselves, learn from our choices and then make better choices. If I am not honest with myself and my choices I never really heal, I simply look for another way to make money and I write a book, hoping the credibility I lost will somehow be restored, and like the past I am really a farce, because my true motto is, do as I say not as I do. Makes one wonder whether the advice given was really sound and helpful, if the person giving the advice didn’t live by their very own advice. I say before any of us give advice we must first follow this principle; physician heal thy self, then, heal others.

Women Judging other Women Harshly! What’s up with that?

There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to take a close look at herself. Not at her circumstance, not at what she did, not how unfair life is or not at who made you do it. She has to just look at herself in all her glory and imperfection.

For many women this is a scary thing because often times they don't want to know the truth about themselves. Virtuous women know what I mean. As women, we have a tendency to water one another down. Maybe it makes us feel good or look better than the next woman. Or maybe we just don't know how to tell that woman how we admire her. In reality we really need to look at ourselves and the pain we project towards other women.

Have you ever admired a woman who has been through changes in her life?  Or have you made up in your mind that she is just messed up. Before you make this mistake, take a closer look. A woman who has endured the most unusual life is someone of wisdom, someone who has been chosen by God to go through things that have made her stronger.

Think of all the great women in the bible, Mary Magdalene, Ruth and Naomi, the woman with an issue of blood flow, and Esther, to name a few. Mary was a prostitute, a very uneasy woman. But by the time Jesus was done with her, she was His closest follower.

Esther’s life began with the unfortunate loss of family and the deep experience of loneliness. By the time God was done with her, she had married one of the wealthiest men in the land.
 

Have you ever admired the strength of a single mother? Or have you made up your mind that it's too bad she had children on her own. A single mother knows no bounds when it comes to her children. She is strong and durable. Single mothers are strong, not because she has to be, but because it comes naturally for her to protect the extensions of her very being. Her love for her children is like that of fuel to a car. Most mothers keep their tanks full because they understand that if it runs low you could jeopardize the car and have problems in the long run. Other women only fill it when it is needed. Their cars usually break down.

Have you ever wondered why some women are not approachable? Or have you made up your mind that she is just mean. A quiet woman is a smart woman. She is valuable. She doesn't go off half-cocked and she won't be the one to argue with you over nothing. She just may even let you go on "setting her straight" and politely back out without a fight. She doesn't let many in her world. After all, she has probably been through the fire and had to rebuild. So why let just anyone in? This is usually the woman that only has "small talk" and knows her place, which is away from all the unnecessary things in life.

Have you ever wondered why that woman is so loud? Well, hey she has a lot to say. These are usually our younger women who have to learn restraint. They are eager and unsettled. They do before they think, and they do not think before they talk. They just go.

Have you ever wondered about that woman who appears to have everything, yet is still very unhappy? Well, she doesn't have everything. She doesn't have personal validation. This is something that cannot be bought. This is something developed over many mistakes and challenges that have taught lessons of the unbearable.

Women are so quick to beat the next one down instead of trying to hold her up. Before you wonder, "What's up with her?" ask yourself, "What's up with me?" Why do I beat down another woman to build myself up? That woman could be my mother, sister, aunt, in-law, stepmother, niece, grandmother, great-grandmother, neighbor, friend, co-worker, etc. That woman could just be me.

Women are the carriers of life, not the channels of death. Let's build and encourage each other as did Ruth and Naomi. Encourage and Love, Forgive and Forget, and begin trusting and appreciating the women around you.

There is Sunshine after the Storm!!!!

I am keenly aware that there are many of us going through many difficulties and sometimes it’s hard to see God as your Comforter, your God of Peace, your Provider and your Savior. Sometime the storms that arise make this walk extremely difficult and you wonder “when Lord, when will you bring me out of this storm! While I know I can’t tell you when I can tell you how to go through with as much grace as possible. Paul said not only did he want to know Christ in his resurrection but also in the fellowship of his suffering. Suffering is a realty for the just and the unjust. The just simply have One who ever lives to make intercession for us, Jesus, sitting at the right hand of the father. We are told to be trials and tribulations we will have but be of good cheer as Christ has overcome the world. We are encouraged to find peace in this. James said count it all joy when you encounter various trials because the trials are designed to instill patience in us which will make us perfect lacking nothing.  We are reminded that the pruning process, while painful, brings about a great harvest. We are also told that God is the silversmith refining us. This means that He takes the silver and puts the fire under it and allows all the impurities of the silver to rise to the top and then it is scooped off and thrown away. He continues the process until He can see His reflection in the silver, so it is with us. God is endeavoring to see His reflection in us when He and the world look at us.

Things to remember while going through:

1. Just because you’re in the storm it doesn’t mean you are out of the will of God. Know that you are just where you’re supposed to be. God says He knows the plans He has for you, plans for your good and not for bad, plans for a hope and a future. (Jer. 29.11)
2. Just because you’re in the storm doesn’t mean that you have sinned against God. There is purpose in and for the storm. Paul said that the trials of life teach us perseverance. Storms are a part of the life of a Christian. There is an old saying, you are either in a storm, going through a storm or just coming out of one. But God’s promise is He will never leave you nor forsake you.
3. God is in control - Know that God is molding you into image of Christ. He is the potter and you are clay.  Nothing can happen to you that God doesn’t allow to happen to you. Know that all things that are happening are working out for your good. Romans 8:28 reminds us that all issues of life good, bad, indifferent or ugly all work together for your good.
4. Trust God with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. Yea though God may slay you, you will trust Him. Job asked the question should I only praise God during the good and not the bad too? You must not try to understand an infinite God with our finite mind.
5.  Weeping may endure for a night ( a season) but joy will come in the morning. We have the assurance that our suffering will last only a while not unto death and that joy will take the place of the storm. The sun will shine again because God is a faithful God.

So know, like the resurrection of Christ, your joy will be resurrected, the sun will shine again and there is purpose for the storm. I submit the purpose is to ensure that when the storm clouds move away and you can see clearly what God was doing in and through you, the sun will shine even brighter in your life.

We Need A Spiritual Revival!!

Just look around you and you will find Christian's (at least those who consider themselves Christian's) walking in a defeated manner. They have been following many televangelist and are getting their marching orders from them without taking the time to research the information they have received.

To many Christian's want a microwave popcorn religion. They want a message that tickles their ears, and not a message that speaks to their heart, convicts their conscious, and turns them around front and center with a Savior who is equipped to deal with every issue we encounter.

There was a time when being a Christian (don't challenge slave time look beyond that) when because of the very existence of true Christian's the moral barometer for this and every country had a standard. The standard has left. You can't tell a Christian from a non-Christian. It's like the days of the prostitute, you could look at her and just by the way she dressed you knew, "ah that's a hooker". Now our children are dressing just like hookers and we say they're just expressing themselves, but you can't tell them from a hooker. Modesty has been replaced by a new free spirit, that is justified in the churches, if not justified tolerated.

No one takes Christian's seriously because we get stuck on two issues, abortion and homosexuality and we don't address the weightier issues, holiness, righteous, taking care of the poor, the motherless, the fatherless, widows, and orphans. For the most part, we don't care about the homeless, unless it's Thanksgiving or Christmas. We don't even know what's going on with the next Christian right next door because we are so caught up in self.

It's time for Christian's to represent! It's time for Christian's to reflect the nature of Christ! It's time for Christian's to speak in love, love with compassion, to seek mercy and grace for all and truly be ambassadors for Christ!

How do I show my sons what to look for in a girlfriend/wife?

The biggest thing is for you to live as an example of what they should be striving for, be an example of that woman you want for your son. Our children learn by example. If you present yourself as a woman of integrity, dignity, a woman of purpose, honor, a woman who values herself and others around her. If you present yourself as a woman of hospitality, as a woman who loves God then your son’s will desire, not to marry their mother, but the characters that exemplify excellence that they will want to carry over to their children. You also must associate with men who treat you like royalty and you in turn treat them like royalty. Your children learn how to love and treat people through the environment you expose your children too. Make sure your male children see men who provide, protect and openly love their families so they in turn can be that spirit of excellence to the woman they choose to marry.  Women have historically been the moral barometer of society. We have historically set the standard in our home. Growing up boys in the neighborhood told me that there was one girl that you had sex with and one you took home to meet their mom and generally they are not the same. I say society has changed so drastically and mothers are allowing anything in their home, thus their children settle for anything. So do your children a favor, live your life through the spirit of excellent. Give your children a chance to have a full loving life. Remember in many instances we make or break our children by our actions. Remember the precious gift God has given you and honor Him by living your life to His glory and not to His shame.

Can a couple be honest and still have passion?

Which is more important to you – honesty or passion? Can one truly exist without the other? If you can’t be honest in all areas of your relationship, is the passion experienced mutual or falsified by the other? Doesn’t true honesty honored by both, clear the air, and lead to a greater connection laced with a healthy dose of unbridled passion? If a relationship isn’t built on honesty then what is it built on? Is the passion you speak of really passion or it is something more seedy that one might get with an electrical instrument? We must redefine the norm and establish honored truth’s, saturated with respect, mutual submission, and at times setting your rights aside to ensure the rights of your spouse take center stage. The greatest love story told is the one of one who lays down his or her life for the greater good – does your marriage factor into such sacrifice that you honor the vows taken for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer for as long as you both shall live. This vow should not be entered into lightly so be sure your relationship is

 based upon the things that last over time. Passion has it place, but if something happens to one or the other and passion has to take a back seat for a time, does your relationship have what it takes to stand the test of time? Remember for better or for worse. Can you handle the truth? Is truth a constant or simply what you were willing to accept at the moment? Truth works both ways so whose honesty are you really questioning?

What Do Black Men Look For In A Girlfriend/Wife?

This question was posed to me. So before an answer is provided I thought I'd ask the experts. Here you go men tell the women what you look for. Do not be vague, be specific. Clearly women what to understand you better to even their odds. I will share your responses in an article called "What A Black Man Wants".

How to Put the Flame of Passion Back in Your Marriage!

Q. How to put the flame of passion back into your marriage?

A. As I began to answer this question, I wondered how to best approach this subject. Then God spoke to me He said, “Look, it’s quite simple. Esteem others before yourself. It is better to give than to receive,” reminding me of the definition of love. We need to understand first what true unconditional love is. Love is patient, love is kind, and it is not jealous. Love does not brag, is not arrogant, and does not act unbecoming. It does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, it does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Why are these things significant? That is a very important question. In our very nature (in our flesh) we have a tendency to think about what we want while overlooking those around us, giving no thought to what they may want. Many people, especially women, view Valentine’s Day as their day. They place the onus on their spouse to put forth the effort necessary to make this a romantic day. Of course, if the spouse gets a little something out of it, a roll in the hay, then so be it. As Christians and individuals we should always esteem others before themselves.  Ladies, I would submit that your first efforts to esteem, after God of course, are towards your husband. Only you can answer this question. Do you esteem your husband? Does your husband feel like the most important person in your life, when in your presence? Do you value him? Do you remind him on a daily basis how handsome he is? How blessed you are to have him as a husband, a friend, and if children, what a great father he is? Someone right now is saying, “she must be crazy, my husband is none of those things.” That may be the case, the question goes to you - do you speak death or life into your household.

So how do you put the flame back into your marriage? Esteem your husband! Give thought to his hopes, fears and desires and feed them with love, patience, kindness and encouragement. Deal with his inner man and meet the needs he secretly craves. Remind yourself as to what attracted you to your husband before you married him. What did you do to please him that you may no longer be doing? That is where you begin to re-ignite the flame that means so much to you. We may age and our desires may temper but that does not negate our responsibility to pay close attention to our husbands and continue to look for ways to keep our marriage exciting.

Now that we have dealt with your husband’s inner heart, let’s deal with his external part, his natural animal instinct. Men have a sexual drive. To discount that would be remiss and absolutely ludicrous on our part. Sex and those things that stimulate the sexual senses are a reality in the union designed by God. If God says it’s a good thing, who are we to disagree? I will not be presumptuous to assume that all men would appreciate their wives taking a trip to Victoria’s Secret to purchase lingerie with him in mind, but I don’t think anyone would be disappointed. Believe it or not, this is one way of esteeming your husband. What turns your husband on? Make Valentine’s Day the beginning of the lit flame. However, don’t stop there. Continue to seek those things that please your husband every day of the year.

Besides Victoria Secret, here are some things you can do to re-ignite the flame in your marriage. Of course this list is not exhaustive. You must add to it on a regular basis always seeking your husband’s pleasure.

1.        Rent a movie he enjoys and sit through it with enthusiasm.

2.        Prepare his favorite meal and serve it to him in a romantic atmosphere he would appreciate.

3.        Send flowers to him on his job with an extremely intimate promise of the night’s events.

4.        Put a note in his brief case, lunch box, or wherever he is sure to find it letting him know how much you love him and how happy you are that he is your husband and your friend.

5.        Make arrangements for your children to be some place else. It is important for you and your husband to spend quality time away from your children. Though your children are an extension of you, they are not the replacement of your relationship as husband and wife.

6.        Make reservations at a hotel. Go some place different.  Make this an adventure.  Chose the hotel, send your husband an invitation to meet you there and include the hotel room key.

7.        Draw him a bath (at home or at the hotel). Provide his favorite beverage and some fruit. Of course ladies scrub his back for him.

8.        Give him a long, lengthy sensuous massage. Get some wonderful smelling oils.

9.       Get your hair, nails and feet done. Look absolutely beautiful for him. Get that makeover you have been threatening to get. Surprise him.

Ladies you must trust the process. If you esteem your husband, your husband will esteem you. Don’t get impatient, don’t keep count of what you do for him, simply allow the love you have for your husband to be the reason. Don’t look for him to do the same for you in the same manner; allow your husband to find his way to you. Remember love is patient, love is kind, love does not seek its own, and love does not keep count of anything. Love hopes, believes and endures all things.

Can A Single Woman Enjoy Valentine's Day?

The short answer is a resounding “YES!” The reality of life for the single woman, who desires a husband/companion, is she becomes aware of all the lovers during this time, to a heightened degree. Flowers come into the office, romantic cards are received, and wonderful candlelit dinners are prepared with love and anticipation. It seems that more hand holding is taking place and more kisses are being exchanged. Yet the single woman has no kisses, no candlelit dinners, and no hand holding. So what’s up with that? When Lord, when?! The question isn’t when. The question is what do I do with myself during this waiting time? Answer – enjoy the life you currently have realizing that your time of singleness is the time for you to ensure that you are emotionally ready for a relationship. A time for purging and getting over all the hurt inflicted on you and possibly the hurt you inflicted on others. If you’ve inflicted pain on others a time to first, forgive yourself, then secondly, a time to seek forgiveness from others. A time to revisit mistakes and the steps you’ve put into place to ensure that you don’t repeat them. A time to get your house in order so when that husband comes your way, he finds a good thing in you. Value this time of singleness, it is the greatest introspective time you will ever have with yourself. You get to put your wife resume together. You get to package yourself as one who is more of an asset than a liability. You get to identify what type of man deserves your time, energy and companionship. By setting standards you prevent yourself from making the same mistakes made in the past. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. An extreme truth to remember is that God promises no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. He promises if you delight in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart.

In order to go through this time gracefully and thankfully it is important to treasure in your heart that God is preparing two hearts for His perfect timing. Your heart is being prepared so when the man after God’s own heart walks into your life you will be ready for him and vice versa. God will not present you to your lifelong soul mate until He has softened your rough edges and He will not present your husband to you until He has prepared his heart.

During this time of wait – here are some tips to making your Valentine’s Day a day to remember:

1.       Get together with other single women and celebrate each other’s time of pruning and purification. Go out to dinner or to the movies. Celebrate your preparation time.

2.       Send one of your single friends some flowers and candy with true love sentiments congratulating them on their phenomenal time of singleness, expressing the fruitfulness of that time and the importance of it. Bottom line – encourage each other. There is no shame in being single!

3.       Pamper yourself. Light candles in your home and play some songs that lift you up. Fix a wonderful meal for yourself and toast you!!

4.       Have a sleep over with your girlfriends. Make it a makeover night or a cooking night. Enjoy each other’s company.

5.       If you like candy and flowers treat yourself. Love yourself enough to find satisfaction in your ability to acknowledge yourself and to honor yourself.

6.       If you really desire a husband, write a Valentine’s card to your future husband and date it. This will show him, when he is presented to you, how faithful you were during your waiting process and the wonderful sentiments you felt about him by faith.

Please remember being single is not a curse, it is a blessing.  So here’s a toast to my single ladies, enjoy your Valentine’s day. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, that my soul knows very well! How marvelous are God’s workmanship when I look at each of you! I celebrate you with love, respect and honor.